i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
