my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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