How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
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I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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