I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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