my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
