Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
