he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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