The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
