I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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