Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
