I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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