tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
