My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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