Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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