U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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