i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize