I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
