I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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