Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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