yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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