the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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