Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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