Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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