They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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