i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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