If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
