Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
