Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
