I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
dude. I can hear the air.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
