just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
