Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
