Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
