Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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