genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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