spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
