Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
