Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
