i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
