watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
