I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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