bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
