How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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