I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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