Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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