I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize