how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
