chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize