i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
