I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
