first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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