i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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