She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
