I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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