My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
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