Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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