i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
