The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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