She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize