if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize