Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I could make wine with my vomit
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize