We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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