I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
