It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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